Blair + Bush At The Gay Bar

A mixed music video for "At The Gay Bar" by Electric Six.

Thank you for sharing such beautiful words

That was so wonderful to read dear friend. I only wish I could write poetry like that. I long for that ability to put my emotions into words like that. I can say that I go through the same emotions and experience similar pain. I ask myself often why would god put me in a life full of some much daily struggle. Did I do something in a past life to cause retrobution? I have come to some calm only in the fact that I need to surrender to this life or it will destroy me. I just ask him for a sense of calm in the storm of life. I know it sounds corny but its really all I can find to tell myself these days. Each day in many ways seems harder than the one before. I have been meaning to post this all day and for some reason or another as I go about my chores and demands I have left it open. I have been fighting with d these last few days over him not calling and I find out that he is about to go out for a while and I have been so mean to him. I really dislike when I am like that to him. I just get so upset and feel very alone I guess. For one reason or another I have just not been able to check my email in a timely manor or post with consitancy. I hope to be on a better time table next week but who the fuck knows. I can relate with issues you had to deal with today with your niece. Its hard to see disfunctional people in the lives of the ones we love. I struggle with that as well. You did as I would have done and set firm standing boundries with consequesnces. I work daliy in trying to set a good example for Kaiya so that she has a foundation to build upon for when she is out on her own and many times feel as though I am falling on my face more often than not. I just keep telling myself that my energy will pay off in the long run. It really is a big sacrifice doing what I am doing. I do it lovingly. It sure is hard. I have had to let go a great deal of needs in order to take care of her. The sorry fact is that I am the only one in her life that is able to give her a stable home life right now. I pray everyday that I have made the right choices in doing so. In all my readings and life lessons I do KNOW that by giving of myself will only brighten my life path. I truely do think of you every single day and I have to let you know that I am sorry that I can not stay in contact as we did for so long. I only ask that you know that I love you very much and cherish you in my life as I carry you where ever I go. I need to let you know that more often my dear friend. Be safe, be well and know that you are loved.

The Dark Side

The Dark Place has come to rest
I awake to numbness, then dread
Of the silence in the air and low light
The words float into my mind
My soul cannot stand the timber of the phrases
My heart cannot oversee my soul
So the activity repeats again this day
During the hour spend attempting to balance my head and mind
After an unknown amount of time, light slowly streams into the window
Again, another day has started, without my consent
I choose to ease into the day, as the phone rings
Another issue demanding my attention, propels me into the day
My worst fears are realized, or are they
Will I survive this moment and what assistance and guidance will make the moment successful
Is my fear of rejection an issue with my assistance and guidance
Does the past return to haunt my present fears, like the darkness outside the window
Maybe the darkness will ring on the telephone with a full battery charge

Pelling Away...

I had a rough day at work per baseline of course. Then I had to get home for a appointment that I have had set up over two months ago for chemical peel. I have been wanting to have a medical grade on for a long while and finally I had an option to do it. But for the next few weeks my face is going to break out like hell. I am not looking forward to that for sure. I will just have to hang in there I guess because I did it to myself. I hated spending that kind of money on myself but I know that I need because after cancer as you know very well your body chemestry changes thus new things happen. There has been many for me but adult acne is a big one. I really effects my self esteem. I pray this works. I have sessions starting at 9am going until 5:30 tomorrow that means I have to be up by 6am and not home till 8pm. It's really wearing me down in more ways than one. I am spending more time this weekend getting my resume fine tuned so I can send it off to a few places that are closer to the house. I hope all is doing okay for you my dear good buddy! I miss and love you. Give kisses to the bitch kitty for me!

Another day another dolla

I had to force myself to go to work today. I woke up so tired because Harley had a rough night, my pain level was elavated, and I wanted to watch TV even though I was so tired my eyes burned. I had a busy day of patients, consult, and then another meeting. I then got in the car, drove through traffic for over an hour, made dinner, started my period, sat down for 6 minutes and then had to take my jeep into the shop, folded laundry, made the bed, and finally I am getting to check my email & post at the ripe hour of 12:19. Fuck. I just hate how this cycle is going. I know that I am in the driver seat of my life but I feel as though I am driving 75 miles an hour down a straight highway in Oklahoma. I NEED TO slow down. I want to go to Vegas! Would you like to meet in Vegas? Our timeshare has a great deal down there for only 299 for a week! We have to do that some time. Its not the greatest place but I know we could make it work. Food for thought my dear. I read your litterary outline and I will be honored to help you out. I started mine a while back as well and it seems really stressful at times when I think "how the hell am I going to get all of this out of my head in the way I want". Content and intent are present but structure is the hard one. I am working right now on a qualitative reasearch project that I am spear heading dealing with culturally compentency issues realted to mental health service presentation. When its all done I am going to develop a ciruculum for health care providers (of all kinds and levels of education-mainly for direct line staff) so that escpecially when older adults present for supportive therapies realted to mental illness the take into account cultural influences. I am just so tired of the excuse being given that "it's just because of a language barrier". Sorry to go off but when I was reading your great outline it spured my creative juices. All my love dear good buddy friend. Oh, I don't want ot forget to tell you that I think we should get another Tat when we are together? Loves you....

Fire Walking

This is an unbelievable experience together at his farm at a spiritual retreat, He hugged me in a bear hug and we walked together, It changed my life.

Remember the excitement within you the first time you did something special!! Your heart jumped with joy..wow! I did it!! Firewalking is another step that proves there is power and potential within yourself that remains yet to be discovered.
Walking on hot coals ranging from 1000 to 1400 degrees is a rite of passage, igniting the fires of change and transformation. Although you may walk through the bed of coals totally unscathed physically, you will never be the same. You have done the impossible. Just think of all the things you have been told you cannot do, that perhaps, just perhaps, you can.
I believe we are all from one source and therefore all and everything is connected. You and me, one mind, one intelligence, one living organism, just different molecules vibrating at different speeds. At every firewalk workshop the group energy is raised. You can feel the change, the love energy and the fear energy, permeating the group.
When I am about to walk over a bed of coals I always listen and trust my inner guidance. Firewalking has taught me to distinguish between my head voice and my heart voice.
Firewalking teaches people the absolute power of positive thinking. It teaches people how to overcome fear and it teaches them what fear really is. It teaches how to turn the energy of fear into living with joy, spontaneity and excitement. It teaches lessons in biology, theology, group dynamics, singing, dancing, breathing, living and loving.
When you attend a firewalk workshop, whether you choose to walk across the path of fiery coals or not, your concept of your own potential will never be the same. You owe it to yourself to attend the experience.

a song ? and framework for my book

Hello Dear One,
How is your day been? file:///Users/josephbi/Desktop/dantes.mp3

leia, I am giving you this framework, not focused, the first concept, raw, and I trust you to look at it and help we with organization of my fragmented framework, but it is a start, a very hard thing to to. I plan to use comments, from various spiritual quotes for every subject of my journey. I have referenced hundreds of masters, lamas priest's, EC, I hope we can bounce concepts off each other.
I can/t wait to see you. I hope it will be in April!!
Love you miss you.

Structure Notes for Book
3/27/07


Units

Early family life dynamics, depression, lack of confidence
Weight loss, coming out, and acceptance of self through appearance NEW FOUND SEXUALITY IN SYRACUSE/YOUTH AND LUST. OBJECTIFYING SELF AND OTHER MEN
Married life with Melanie. New compromises
Life in Boulder, introducing spirituality into the mix, inducing questions of self-existence, why, and what do I need for fulfillment, Employment to be noted. EXPERIENCES OF WORK HOSPITAL NURSING, MEDICARE AGENCY, JUMP FROM FIELD NURSING TO OFFICE NOTE REPORTING FOR AGENCY AND FAILURE TO BE COMPETENT. THE TRAUMA TO BE FIRED FROM WORK AFTER A TWO-WEEK VACATION. FEAR OF VACATIONS

TRANSITIONS FROM BOULDER TO DENVER LIVING BIG TOWN LIVING. LEAVING THE ELITE TOWN FOR THE BIG TOWN OF DENVER

Pulling away from Boulder and moving to Denver, living with Michael Owen
Visits home, to NY, contemplation of moving back to NY

Movements back to NY, blending into NY culture shock from West to East
Relationships, built on others to stabilize self-image.

Losing relationships, job fulfillment, and change of career.

Hitting bottom, finding a spiritual answer. My spiritual path trips to NC to Joan's.
Reiki tx, yoga, Runes, I Ching

Many references to be used from books of my present path my early understanding, and present understanding.

The World of AIDS and how

My academic life of 12 years difficulties and the price I paid, Friends lost with no clear understanding.

Aging, more mature views of people, the world new blends of family Mother, Father

Accepting my body limitations, emotionally, and physically.

Following my spiritual path with Steve Wechsler

The fire Walk in at Steve's farm.

The Trip to India my experiences in India and my repeated audiences with His Holiness.

Great Conversation

Dear One,
I was so happy to hear my phone ring out, "You are loved" my ring tone from Josh Groban. Go figure. We have been having severe thunder storms, with heavy rain and 35 mph winds. I was out this morning, awoke from a most depressing dream, can't remember but it was not good, I think part vision, I had done Reiki last night to balance myself, and I believe it brought some spiritual issues that I need to deal with. Anyway, A morning out by 8:30 am to bank, hate money things, paying bills, across town, to Health Center for an extension of pharmacy privileges, hopefully protocol will be followed through, or I will be unable to procure my DRUGS, my Dr needs to sign off on it, routine, but a hassle. A rough day to be out in, Oh My God, my Prada bag got wet. Now that is the most important thing, let's get down to basics and the big picture of priorities I hope you can come in April, but if need be, when ever you can. I stopped by the Cigar shop and bought some wonderful cigars, different flavors, when I got home I didn't realize that I had about 6 Cubans, and some Doms. I told the sales lady I was preparing for a close friend to come, and Cigars were first on the list, then booze, then food shopping, she thought my priorities were in proper place. I am still uploading music, I lost all my music when I had to wipe my mini clean. I sent you the CBS blog site, with my comment and the an email of what I had written and others as well.It seems that many people think Katie C is a Big Ugly Cow, I agree. I bet she drives an old chevie red pick up truck with rust all over the body. Actually a safe means of trans in NYC. So it goes
Much love and light,
Joe

Life!

I am sorry that I was not on the internet tonight as I am trying to feel better since my surgery on thursday. It seems that I don't deal as well with pain. Go figure. I fucking hate it. I was in bed all weekend. Still no laptop as I have not been able to make it up the store in bellview to pick it up so I finally called them today and they are going to mail it out to me. I am so tired tonight and I have to be back at work on monday but I did not want to go another day without checking in. I hope this is the right place to leave my post? Thank you so much sweetheart for putting all this energy into making this blog happen. I will just post on here from now on. I do not have hard dates yet for my trip but as soon as I do I will be on the phone with you like lightening. I am trying to get someone to come up to watch Kaiya so I can go. That is what is holding me up. If all of my options fall through then I may have to wait until May 5 to come out so that D will be home to watch her. I miss you so much and I too long for the long talks with flowing wine. All my love sweet friend. Give kisses to Kinky for me. Love you so much...more tomorrow when I get home from work or on my lunch break. Cheers my dear!

On the Horse Again

Back on the horse again.

Sunday night is now coming to a end. I'm sorry I haven't heard from you. I still carry the cell with me at all times. It has been a busy challenging week. The process of the week has exhausted me to the degree that the weekend I have spent in bed, with throbbing joints. The new med is making me as described weaker and very sick to my stomach. I sometimes wonder where it will all lead. I keep trying to tell myself it will be tomorrow's worry. I am not able to stay up so late as I need all the rest I can find. Our only option is for you to contact, ichat/cell phone by 10/11pm my time. It's to difficult functioning the next day when we finish at 10 or 11pm you time, 2 am. my time. I can't keep the late hours and tolerate the next day. Weather here has been warm and rainy. much like Seattle. Are you able to find the dashboard to find all our blogs? Remember your promise? To write every day. It seems the only was to keep track of you. I was sorry you weren't on tonight, as I really could have used the voice of someone I know. Do you have a arrival date yet for NY? I look foward to being able to just sit down with a good white Merlot and catch up. You have been hard to connect with for a long long time. I miss so many aspects of what our friendship used to be like. Also sad. for the loses I have precieved. I hope this visit, that I am so excited will bridge some more communication within our friendship. My head is pounding, so I shall end upon that note