8:30 am New York morning

I apologize for the last posting, on pain meds, not proper typing, sorry.
I an going to Sloane Clinic, to try and finish up tx, and hope HD is in remission again, I believe too many medications, compromised my body, allowing the HD to rear its head.
More when I return later this afternoon, Orr is bringing the car up front and I need to be down stairs, I hear him buzzing.

Email

Email

Joe,
I was comforted to see your posting on the blog tonight. I was taken way from the beauty of the description of your environment and got a moment to day dream. I am so happy to hear you are surrounded by those who love you. I just really wish I could be there for you as well. Those are truly not empty words because I do wish I could be able to give you some comfort. The daily stresses are still present for me and I started on some new medication that helps reduce tumors so you know the drill of dealing with sickness on top of the physical when you introduce a new medication. I have been having no stop migraines and nasusa. God, the fucking shit sucks. I bet New York is so beautiful right now. I have only been one time and have always wanted to go again. D is getting back into his routine and its been hard getting used to each-other again. I just wish it would get easier over time but it never seems to happen. I have a hard time letting him back in and do things on his time frame and not mine. I keep reminding myself that its give and take. I seem to want it my way or the highway:) The dogs are doing good. I keep meaning to take some pictures of them and I hopefully will be getting a new camera soon so I will send you some. Having Harley have diabetes is killing me on the inside because its just like living through Shanny's illness again. She is doing much better than Shanny with staying stable but she is loosing her sight and that is not been easy for her with only being 6 years old this coming august. Seamus is a good big brother and plays with her even when he does not want to. He will be 11 years old this year! I can't believe it. Asa is just a little shit like always. The cat is doing great as well, very stubborn. I left a message on your answering machine I think it was thursday but I now realize that you were down in the city. I had to get a new cell phone because my other one broke and they could not transfer my cell numbers so I was wondering if you could email me your cell number? I am having reconstruct all of them because I could not get my old one to back up with my MacBook. I have had the hardest time with the treo's for some reason. I spent most of this weekend laying in bed due to this new medicine but I did get up long enough to make an apple pie and that felt really good. I put my notice in a work and I think I have to give them three weeks and I am not looking forward to the confrontation. I will hopefully start the new job July 2 if all goes well. It's closer to home, more money, and less clients. Still community mental health but contracted work for the state. We shall see. I am focusing on keeping a positive attitude because I need it to stay sane. I am thankful to have what I do have and not dwell on what is not present. I am thankful for your continued love & friendship. I know I have not been present for along time and I want to again tell you I am sorry for that. I still have so much to learn in this life. I have to give myself grace and allow myself to continue to grow. I send you lots of love and continue to enjoy your stay in NYC. Be well and all my love...
Leia

On the Mend Again?? yha right.

June 9th, 2007

window, trying her Update: I have just left NYU Medical Center last Thursday. I be can reached at Orr's. Will will be flying in the city tomorrow sometime. I have been in bed most of the time resting, finishing med treatments. Orr has a assistance, a 60 is year old master of many trades. A Gentleman's Gentleman. John, his name is a very sweet man. Well educated, Broadway retired actor. I am brought a breakfast tray, with coffee service, Starbucks, scones, eggs B, juice, The Times,Daily News, and Wasting ton Post to read. From the slay bed, I have a balcony overlooking the Manhattan sky line, breath taking, the park as well has fantastic sun rises and sets. I have been able to lie in bed and be inspired by the beauty and magnificence's of the city. Still just low enough to hear the vibration of the city. I did see Yoko Ono, almost didn't recognize her due to aging. She has lived here ever sense John Lennon was murdered in front of the Dakota. I sort of met her when I was being brought up to the condo, by back entrance, easier and more private, with 2 door men on duty from the hospital. It seems Yoko had never used the front entrance of the building since John Lennon was shot in front of her. So sad. Orr outfitted one of the Louie XII IIth writing desk with my favorite items, Leather journals, a gold Mark Twain fountain pen, with bottles of micro brewed custom ink, candles, incense, draws of Levenger supplies, because I only talk about Levenger in terms of serious writing tools. I feel like Karrie Bradshaw, only with better equipment, sitting in her apt, writing her column watching the city go by. That would be me with the blond hair writing on hand made paper in leather journals, with a solid gold MT fountain pen at a fabulous desk, yes I said fabulous, steps away from my 1,000 count billowing bed with dozens of pillows, pot lights over the head board, motorized to focus on one's writing, or reading. The ceilings are 15 foot high, but the lights are very pin point strong. Also the sheers, and heavy velvet drapes are on the bedside remote control, to the plasma and stereo. I feel like the princess and the pea. I have stayed here many times, my landing pad in NYC, but I don't understand the detached feelings of living in such luxury
Friday night after being served by John, am, late am,tea, lunch, afternoon formal tea and when Orr came home, we talked about his new script, the protagonist eg.. We had dinner in my bed, the most incredible Thai, A coconut flan, and later imported white and chocolate from Belgium, creating pecan dumplings stuffed with chocolate cream, on a bed of chocolate, with chocolate shavings, white, dark sauce, and apricots. There were made at this Cholocatier on 7 th Ave, 45 dollars a pop. We finished dinner at 12 midnight. Orr fell asleep, the bed is a king, so I decided to go on line and enter this blog There is a comfort in this self environment, with clocks chiming softly in the background, the warmth Oriental carpets are velvet to the toes. After my medical experience, those hospital floors, cold, food, not so good, all the usual, to rap my head around the luxury I am surrounded, most people don't have and will not experience. Money allows not quality of objects , but detail. The smallest detail, of accessories, frames for expensive oil painting, designed accessories. The poorer people like many of us acquire out possessions, but as a lesser inexpensive detail. We need less value in out details. We need a car, not a 90 thousand Mercedes XL890. A Chev will do, it has all the useful things, stereo, air, heat, options as we need, Money can provide safety, (air bags, ft, bk, side) that takes money. But we can live with out them and usually do. When I awoke this morning, I basked in the morning son, to the feel of the sheets, and that feeling of being present for that moment was a flicker Grace.
I miss Will and will be so happy to see him again. It seems when my burden are too hard to carry, dear friends are there to assist without a request. I do feel blessed. And I must give back that gift to others. Will says I am payed froward for many years with my helping of others, I feel you as good as the last person you have help without request. So I believe it is a daily thing. GAY PRIDE all this week, many festivals, indies movies. Wish I could have been in the energy. For a gay person, there are very few days that we feel strenght
and support in numbers and a sense of belonging. And still, people hate us for it and want us dead, even by actions this week by bombing threats, There are truly evil people out there in mass.

Help Fight HIV/AIDS

*************************************************

"WHY?"

Everyday I wake up

to a world of misunderstanding.

Trying to understand

What has happened to me.

I didn't choose this life.

Tell me why it has to be...

And I sit and ask WHY?

WHY?

Should I be the one

going through Pain, Heartache, and Rain?

Test after test

Making me weak in the knees.

And I sit and ponder..........

WHY?

Then WHY? comes to me

and explains my reason for being.

To be an inspiration to those...

Those who are lost, hurt, and alone.

To be that shoulder to cry on

When they have nowhere to turn.

And when they ask "WHY?"

You'll say...

You didn't choose this life,

This life chose YOU.

Written by: Bethany Crespin ©

New York City Bound

Hi All,
Question, what are you boys and girls doing on the 2nd of June. Its Gay Indie night on 38th St. Hey Lorrie, can you drive up to NYC and go to the movies with us, I promise some movie stars and autographs, from Charlie, Josh and Marian. Lorrie call me or Orr, you can just drive to his condo, "The Dakota" across from Central Park, he has a second spot underground on side street, can't remember, he can give you direction from Washington Bridge, to the condo. Bring Rob is he isn't on the Hill? Washington Boy. Orr has three guest rooms, 4 total. Will is coming in from Milan, cool, He loves you Lorrie, another Gay Boy for your harem Will has pre ordered the Christal one case!
Dinner at "The Four Seasons" a friend of ours is the assistance chef there, so service will be very personal. Maybe we can get a dish named after you, Lorrie.
Orr,
I will drive to NJ and will you meet me at the train station. I will leave the Mini Cooper there. I am not up to driving into the city. I will call you with my ETA from the GPS when I have a time frame of arrival.
Will, Orr will pick you up at Kennedy when you arrive, just give him a time and he will come for you, or if I'm in town, I'll come with Orr. Can't wait to see you.
I know I must be driving you all crazy, but I love talking to everyone together and sharing. Lorrie, if you want to bring Martha, do. Orr has a Yorkie who loves to play and for Orr, the more the merrier, the perfect host for all seasons.
Love to you all, can't wait to see you.
Joe

Sun and Speed boats

Hard to see my my blonde hair is even lighter, I am beet red, burntt
tomorrow is going to be a painful but a very calm and recharging M Day. Sad memories, for my nephew, Daniel, or as we cal him D as well. He left the Marines 4 years ago, honoral discharge. I is not being forces to teturn to service. 35 years old, two young sons, his wife doesn 't work, and his service time is left open, he is to go to Iraq, does not know for how long. He has to report in three weeks. He is a postman, so hopefully they will hold his job, but that is not a sure thing according to his boss, a federal jerk. Dee called me and asked me what to do, my options were move to Canada, but that will make it hard for him to return to the US for as long as the US is being a bitch, I suggested he tell them he is Gay, Even with a shortage, God forbit put a known Gay in the service, but that could be enought, I am checking with GLAD and HRC to see what type of record that leaves, I hope a non-record. He is totaly done with the Marines, 4 years in completed all requirements, but the government is calling him back to service with no legal right, and are threatening him with jail time. I am in a rage about the government and the lawlessness they operate in. We need a Coo, it wouldn't be the first time, remember Oliver Green and wanting to set up a collateral government and thank God he was stopped.

Sorry to give you a hard time, but, I understand excuses, and we do whaqt is necessary, and when we don't we make choices about how we equate our friendships, and it is that simple. We do what we are drawn to do. We make excuses for the things we don't want to do. And sometimes excuses I find personally are uncomfortable to hear from friends I care about and keep my word to. My word is no better than my actions. Actions always speak volumes, and I am feeling little energy is coming from you. I will hate to lose our friendship, but there are also several other friends in my life al over the globe who always keep in touch with me, are there for me when i really need a friend, and I see comparrison, now between friends. My life is short, with many serious stressors and I only have time for people who want me in their lifes as I want to be in their lives. I is that simple, no emotional stress or conflict, people share friendship and affection, not by excessive words but by actions. I know who I can count on if it be a physical favor, or just needing someone to talk to when I'm running scared. These are the true wealth in my life the last few years. And several friends also search me out for help, if just to listen to them and I am proud to do so. This personal interaction keeps me going. I have missed this in our relationship over the last three years. I am not even sure what we call what we have. I do know I have tried to be there in NC to help you through your surgeries, and was proud to do that, and flew to Seattle when I did at my own peril, but you take of a friend, two visits, last for a month. I will alway find time to be with you and help you, and
I have had similiar life challenges, but my actions were consistant with my words. If nothing I try to live by my spoken words. I find that hard, that you voice things, I know you believe at the moment, but don't follow through and never give and feedback. You are my only friend who I am never sure when you say or plan an event if it will happen. I have noticed this for a long time, but never trusted our friendship enough to say it in words. I am going to trust our friendship is strong enough to have this dialog of saying and doing what we say. I have been timmid on identifying this conflict in our friendship. A major lack of comminucation, I think fear based for the both of us. I want so dearly to trust you and what you say. This is a uncomfortable issue for me to address, but I feel it is harming our friendship, as well as lack of communicaton. I has a long drive from the lake and was thinking about conversation and the content of it and then my conversation with Lorrie. Timmy got a little bitchy with me, in a cute way, I arrived at the cottage at 2 pm was on the phone with you for a couple of hours, I loved our talk, and then I called Lorrie as we always do on holidays, and we talked till 5:30pm non stop. We had about 20 people there two boats going, my niece was really waiting for me to get off the phone. I came to the beach and was on the phone from 2:30 to 5:30 pm the youngins, in their twenties, Side bar, My neice ditched her boyfriend of 4 years, he was shirting around and Stacy told him to take a hike, one month later she has another boyfriend, who we all like better. The little fucker is charming as hell, two years older than Stacey, better than 5 years older, and he looks like Brad Pitts little brother, hot, overall.
Stacey was standing with Brian infront of 10 of us, and she was being affectionate with him, then put her left foot behind Brian, and raised her forarm and hit Brian on the chest and upper neck and laid him on his back and he never saw it coming. We laughted our asses off. Brian never saw or new that Stacey was going to lay him hot. I is about Stacey's hight, a little heaver, very strong, but his girlfriend laid him out infron of her whole family, he was so red, My brother has taught her several moves and I have showed her some skip tequices, using leverage to control a person, its knowledge, not strenght and unexpected speed and suprise. After his take down he would not stand to close to Stacey. Back to the boat, so I took the boat out with my brother's pleading, to not have to drive 8 teens through the lake and cause way. So I let the children untie the boat and move from dock, a bitch for a 28 foot speed boat. We had a 6 foot raft in tail with Stacey, Brian and Andrew and all kept screaming at me to stop driving like a old lady. I was going 45 miles per hour, a challenge, so I used the hydrallic lifters on the back, lifted them up for more speed, and I said, "Alright bastaeds, Hold on" I opened the throtle and we were hiting 60 miles per hour, and they were still wining, so we went 92 miles per hour, the raft ripped off and that is fucking fast to be on water, the wind, I had on clear glasses, so I could even see. Picked up the three wet littleones and on the way home we hit 101 miles per hour, they couldn't even sit in the boat, choppy water and we were on top of the water half the time. Shit, me driving my brother's 40 k boat at 101 mph, I almost ran out of lake, so the bank I had to make almost threw two kids out of the boat. So I became the new boat driver because I am crazy as shit and they know it. Timmy was asking me if I had a death wish or was I just trying to get read of some loud teenagers. The boat is not just past its 5 k miles and now needs to be conditioned, driving faster speeds so the clutch range is wide and not restristed. Like breaking in a new car at different speeds. I just loved scaring the shit out of Stacey , Brian and the other kis on board, COOL.
Well 12:45 am and I have a hospital staff meeting, that I have to present 5 patients, to the Grand round doctors, so two hours at the hospital and then home to paint my porch and then plant more flowers.
PLEASE, understand I am battling to save and revive a very special friendship. I'm sure we need more conversation, to look at our fears concerning this, we both have fears that could let our friendship drift, and that would be the death of it and I really don't want that to happen.
All my love,
Joe